This green craze has gone too far

Okay, I’ve had enough. I get 5-10 notices every day about ‘green’ initiatives, and various invitations to jump on the green bandwagon, and I know they’re well-intentioned, but they’re starting to cross the line. 

I’m sitting here, trying to find the energy to get off the computer and head out to my friend’s party, and the following email headline arrives in my inbox:

START OFF LIFE AS A MARRIED COUPLE WITH A STEP IN THE GREEN DIRECTION.

Excuse me? OMGWTF? Is this really necessary or even in good taste?

I have never been a newlywed but I’ve sure known plenty of ’em, plus many who are preparing to join their ranks…and from what I’ve seen, though it is an exciting, giddy, highly significant and memorable time in one’s life, it is NOT the appropriate time to install a compost pile in the backyard or convert your house over to solar power. 

Newlyweds have a lot on their minds. Like:

• Paying off their wedding.
• Writing thank-you cards
• Paying off their honeymoon
• Merging their finances (or not)
• Buying a house (or not)
• Tossing out their birth control (scary!)
• Having in-laws
• Coming to terms with the fact that they now have legally and officially committed themselves to another person for life (or at least a few years).

I may have left a few things out, but the point is… don’t newlyweds have enough to worry about? They’re entering an entirely new stage in their existence! They’re supposed to be blissfully happy and floating around on a cloud and having sex three times a day. More likely, in this day and age, they’re just sort of getting back to business, but with that cute shell-shocked glow of someone who’s just made a life-changing move and is happy about it. But either way. Shouldn’t they get at least a month’s grace period before some do-gooder with a buzz word and an agenda ambushes them and demands that they evaluate their environmental choices?

I think they should. I think that composting, recycling, using cloth grocery bags, buying energy-efficient lightbulbs, biking short distances instead of driving, conserving water, buying local produce, raising chickens in the backyard, wearing only natural hemp fibers, driving a hybrid and offsetting one’s carbon footprint are all admirable practices, and should be considered and implemented as lifestyle choices whenever feasible.

However. I think they are a damn buzzkill on a honeymoon. And I’m pissed on behalf of all honeymooners at the zealot who dares to bring them into the bridal suite. Back off!! Take your slogans and your earnest marketing spiel and go away!

It reminds me of the Jew-for-Jesus lady who accosted kids outside the synagogue when I was a kid; or the wild-eyed dog rescue lady who shamed me into fostering two dogs, paying another one’s medical bills, volunteering all day Sunday and answering phone messages Mon-Sat… I mean sheesh! We all (most of us) want to be better people and do our bit, but enough is enough.

It’s fine to have a cause. A party line.  Whatever. But along with it, people should acquire a sense of timing and tact. They should understand that “going green” happens every day, but marriage happens once in a lifetime…and  they should allow newlyweds to feed each other wedding cake and develop their wedding photos  and wonder about the color of their children-to-be’s eyes in peace…

Recycling — My Earth Month Amendment

Okay, so I’m lazy. I have zero desire to go out and meet new guys (well, that is not strictly true…I have 5% desire to meet new people, 95% to drink cheap white wine and cackle with my lady friends)… and I’ve compensated for it in two ways:

1.  I put out universal thought waves that impel me to bump into men on the street, or more likely in my apartment complex, which around this time of year fills up with 20-something boys just begging you to ‘party…please come party.’

2. I recycle. (Perhaps ‘reuse’ would also be an accurate term but it’s a bit mercenary for my tastes.)

Per the latter, I have only one question: Why not? Recycling–i.e. picking up where you left off with someone who never left angry, or vice-versa–seems like the most efficient and stress-free way of having a personal life sometimes. In fact, I’m beginning to think I’d like to make a habit of it. Who needs a husband when you could have:

1. A part-time sugar-baby houseboy who lives in a foreign land and speaks with a sexy accent

2. A part-time mad genius artist who lives in three cities and speaks in tongues

3. A part-time ‘serious, sensible’ upwardly mobile man whom your parents would surely love if you ever let them meet him.

I think I could totally live my life this way for a while. The only thing is, unfortunately, it’s not sanctioned by modern monotheistic religion or governmental policy (hypocrites!!!). So I thought I would write my own constitutional amendment, on behalf of Earth Day, energy-saving practices, and fickle women everywhere:

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two people to hook up and have a fabulous time, and then not see each other again for a brief while–or a long while, perhaps even a year or two–due to work, relocation, personal issues or a combination thereof, then when the twain bump into each other again, it shall be deemed right and appropriate by the power of the Dating Columnist invested in This Humble Blogger (and my various worldwide Counterparts) that those Two shall fromp again as they see fit… provided they are both still single, free and (ahem) easy. (This, note ye, is not only fair and just, but entirely sensible given the particular social flexibility the universe has granted us, what with discount airfares and Facebook and cell phones and prostitute-mongering political role models, fa la la etcetera etcetera.)

Witnessed by no one except you, The Reader, but I suspect everyone from Kinsey to Skinemax would co-sign if they had the chance.

This Day of April Whatever, 2008.

-Lena