K I threatened promised to deliver this, and by golly I will, though truthfully I haven’t hung out with any true assholes in at least a month, and therefore my memories of them are not quite as crystal-clear as they could be. (Yes, my memory is typically sharp for longer than a month. But I block assholes right out, for the same reasons you spray air conditioner over a poopy smell in the loo.)
Anyway, here we go…
10 Signs He’s Just an Asshole
1. He tells people the two of you met on checkoutmysnatch.com or some other equally xx-rated site, thereby making everyone uncomfortable because they a) wonder if that’s actually true, b) immediately start wondering if such a site exists and how they didn’t know about it before, and c) get an instant mental image of what your snatch might look like.
2. He not only tips strippers cheaply, but also makes them degrade themselves in some small way for each and every dollar bill.
3. Nonetheless he expects one of those strippers to go home with you and him at the end of the night. Invariably they don’t, but slip you their number and want to go out separately of him later in the week.
4. He has a “routine” that he performs with all the women he dates, so predictably that you can back-and-forth the entire thing with another ex-girlfriend of his you randomly meet. (“Then he plies you with cold sake! Then he takes you back to the house and jumps on you like an octopus! Then he wants you to dress up in an air hostess uniform!”) Provided you and the other ex are woman enough to laugh at this, you will really freak out any men who happen to be in the vicinity, especially if they are guilty of the above themselves.
5. He decides what television shows the two of you will be watching, and even if it’s something gruesome on serial killers or the stock market, no matter how much you beg him to turn it off, he will not be moved.
6. He’s obnoxious to wait staff. In addition to being embarrassing, this means you can never take him anywhere, because if he’ll do it at a restaurant, he’ll do it at a party.
7. He tries too hard to have sex on the first date. What the hell man? Is he afraid you’re going to come to your senses and refuse a second date? Is he too cheap for a second date? Or does he merely have the attention span of a stoned college student? No matter what, it doesn’t bode well.
8. He makes fun of you. Helloooo! Insecure much? Any guy who’d knock his date down to build up his own smugness deserves to be knocked down himself. And then kicked.
9. He ignores your first significant holiday together (Valentine’s, your birthday, Christmas) after you’ve been dating a reasonable time (4-6 weeks), but then calls you 5-7 days later like nothing has occurred
10. He tries to have sex with all of his female friends, acquaintances and colleagues…and then pouts when he doesn’t get it. Quadruple-bad if he does this while he’s married.
Okay, scary thing. I think I could have come up with more than 10, equally as bad as the ones listed above. But here’s a good thing: I had to review the behavior of many unpleasant past acquaintances to come up with the first 10. You see, most men are not assholes. They just like to wear the tee-shirt occasionally. And the stuff on this list, they would not do.
Oh also…The men on this list typically have small-ish penises. I’m just sayin’.