Posts Tagged ‘cancun


The Whole Arm Candy Role is Over-rated

I been thinkin’ on it a bit–well okay, I’ve been pondering on it nearly my entire adult life–and at last, at the ripe old age of 31, I’m going to tell you for certain: arm candy babes don’t have it as good as girls who can pay their own way. In fact, I’ll take that generalization and expand the scope to cover all women. Those who are dependent on someone else’s whims and bankbook just really don’t have as much fun as the sisters who, to quote my favorite buzz-cut ’80s rock icon of ambiguous sexuality, are “doin’ it for themselves”

They’re not as well-traveled either.

I came to this conclusion while in Cancun the past week for the launch of a new luxury resort development. There were many, many rich and powerful Latin American developers and businessmen–and closely following them, the requisite bevy of perfectly turned-out, rhinestone-belted, cleavage-sporting Latina babes.

I wasn’t at all surprised the girls were there…after all, what’s a party without gratuitous pretty women to act as floating arm candy? But here’s what shocked me: Though these girls live in Miami–an hour’s flight from Cancun–and I live across the continent, I’ve been to Cancun more often than they have. As we talked further, I learned that one girl–a Venezuelan–had never been to neighbor countries Chile or Argentina. To me, that’s like saying you’re from California but have never been to Hawaii or Vegas. It’s possible, but only if you’re singularly untraveled.

And this confused me greatly. Because…isn’t the whole POINT of being arm candy to wealthy men that you get to jet around and see all kinds of cool places and experience amazing things? Isn’t that one of the major perks?

The answer to this is YES, OSTENSIBLY. As a cute female, if you spend enough time surfing the online personals, or hanging out in wine bars in Los Angeles/San Francisco/Las Vegas/wherever, some man will invariably approach you with offers of travel and fancy meals and tickets to the opera.  That is how they reel you in. The thing is, they’re…not lying exactly, but grossly over-exaggerating. ‘Travel’ as arm candy means a trip to Vegas, or to Dallas/Chicago/other boring corporate hub… Caribbean or Cancun if you’re really lucky. And the whole time, you’re under pressure to sparkle and flirt and basically WORK IT… and you only eat, drink or have any fun at the whim of the man who brought you. 

Face it: Nobody wants to–or knows how to–spoil a girl as well as she knows how to spoil herself. Except maybe her best girlfriends or her sisters.

A man’ll buy you a pair of Wolford stockings and a teddy, and expect you to turn into a private porno pinup model in return. You can buy yourself a $300 Dirty Lingerie corset and wear it out clubbing, to a costume party, or  just keep it in your drawer to pet and fondle on rainy days.

A girlfriend will treat you to a spa day if she’s got the hookup, just because she thinks you need to relax. A man…well, one once offered a spa treatment, but it was in Vegas and I’d only just met him, so I politely said, Thanks, but that’s a little creepy.

A man will buy a bottle of champagne on a special occasion. For my sister’s bridal shower, the girls are buying a case.

I could go on and on. The point is this: The life of an arm candy girl seems sweet, and men always come with the big promises. But in actual fact, it’s a round-the-clock job where you don’t get much respect, and  usually don’t get a salary either (unless you’re a full fledged ‘sugar baby’ which is exponentially sketchier).

If you want to travel the world for real, splurge madly on lingerie for no reason, order $100 worth of sushi with no one questioning you, and really enjoy every moment, then girl, you gots to do it for yourself.



Going to Club Med. Porque no?

As anyone who’s ever Googled me knows, I’ve done a lot of writing about all-inclusive resorts–particularly the adult variety–in my day. I know my Desire from my Hedonism from my Couples from my Sandals. (Gosh, that sentence is bizarre if you don’t know the context.)

Anyway. These companies constantly contact me to write about them–and I often do. They also invite me to visit–which I very rarely do, for a few reasons.

First, the clothing-optional ones are completely out-of-bounds because I’m very choosy about whom I wish to see naked. Call me shallow if you must, but I don’t consider the average nude stranger to be sexy, or spiritually liberated, or inspirational. I find them unnerving. The sunburn, the bulge, the swinging bits…no thank you.

Second, you’ve gotta be pretty darn comfortable with your significant other to drag ’em to an adult/ nude / swingers resort for a week. And the last time I was that comfortable was with my ex-fiance, who completely agreed with me on Point #1, above.

Third, I always think that places with a “clothing optional” or “anything goes” policy don’t really mean it. What they really mean is, “Get naked immediately, get involved in stupid drunk hijinks along with the rest of us, and do stuff you’d never normally be comfortable with–because you’re on vacation and them’s the rules.”

I know Hedonism is like this, and I think others are. Couples is, of course, very twosome-ey and lovey-dovey, and would probably not want me to dress in a toga and have sex with a stranger in the hot tub… but Couples is Honeymooner Central, and what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Anyway, the point of this whole blog is that finally after 9 years, I’m going to an all-inclusive party resort–and not just any one, but the one that started it all: Club Med. Cancun, baby!!

There is actually more method than madness in my decision: See, Club Med claims it’s changed its stripes, and I want to see it. Back in the day, this was the uber-uber of crazy adult resorts. It was Ground Zero for a million regrettable Spring Break moments. But in the last 10 years–particularly as it’s spread so far throughout the world and spawned so many competitors–it’s tried to diversify beyond the crazy-singles-party scene. About five years ago, Club Med even hired a friend of mine who specializes in reinventing giant companies to be more female-friendly. She basically rewrote their branding bible, tossing out Commandment #1 (Male Employees, Thou Shalt Tap as much Female Guest Ass as Possible) and replacing it with a way more PG set of rules. Obviously this wasn’t great for some of the male employees, but Club Med management loved it, and I from what I understand, guests loved it too. Vacation hookups are fun and all, but 90% of us want them to be spontaneous, not mandatory.

Fast-forward a few years, and Club Med has become a family vacation resort and a brand internationally known for its approachable, casual style. Some locations are more hedonistic than others, but overall, the place is far distancing itself from its formerly crazy image. It’s even started hosting self-help workshops and the like. Which is how I ended up being invited to go…my friend is a self-help speaker, and she invited me. Though I’m a little afraid of any inclusive Caribbean resort, especially ones I associate with Tara-dise or Girls Gone Wild, my curiosity wins out this round. I want to know what the place looks like. I want to see with my own eyes, these charming international employees bid adieu at the end of the night, and just go home rather than trying to beg, borrow or steal a soul kiss. Above all, I’m curious to see what sort of identity Club Med is creating for itself, since it left a fairly serviceable one behind when it wentoff the sexy rails.

Stay tuned…


Love Boat? Well, sort of.

I just got the seasonal schedule from Singles Travel International, and there are like a zillion cruises on it.

Okay, exaggeration. There are five, departing from now through the end of February. But still, that’s rather a lot.

Cruises have traditionally been the favored lazy vacation option for families or couples. My friend Nadia just went on a Carnival cruise with eight friends, and hated it. (In fact, her exact description was, “boring, full of Mid-Westerners, and the best thing about it was the 24-hour buffet.”) I couldn’t agree more. The only agenda on value cruise lines, in my opinion,  is to eat and eat, buy souvenirs, and then eat some more.

Singles Travel International cruises are a different story–mostly for the obvious reason that not everyone on the ship is married with kids. The way they work, to the best of my knowledge, is that the company reserves their singles a certain number of cabins aboard a Royal Caribbean ship, and also organizes a bunch of special singles’ events. The cruises are usually organized by age bracket, which is awesome unless you’re a dirty old perv looking to score with someone 20 years younger. Guests can share a cabin or book their own for slightly more $$.

 I can  kinda-sorta understand the appeal of this. The only downside is, if you decide early on that you don’t like anyone on the ship, then you’re out of luck for the duration. It’s back to the originally scheduled programming: food, food, sunbathing, souvenirs, self-hatred, more food…

Then there are the booze cruises that depart from Cabo, the Bahamas and every other touristy port in the Northern Hemisphere. These hardly count as cruises; they’re really just two- to six-hour forays into ocean-tossed madness. The whole point is to get really wasted, which makes no sense because there’s nothing worse than being really wasted and stuck on a freaking boat. I would know. I’ve done it twice–the first time I passed out on a speaker, and the second, my sister stripped down to a thong in the breakfast room at 8AM.

I absolutely despise booze cruises, but would never try to stop you from discovering their glory for yourself. It’s a rite of passage. And Dramamine will not help.

Because I receive about 30 nightlife emails every day, I recently discovered the next evolution in singles cruising–something I might actually want to attend, although it’s three days long and therefore a MAJOR commitment in Lena-cruise terms. It’s called the Kandy Kruise, and it offers 10 times more eye candy than Singles Travel and 10 times better entertainment than the average booze cruise. It’s brought to us by the Los Angeles promoters who throw the Kandyland parties at the Playboy Mansion.

These boys not only understand the importance of an amazing sound system and really plushy soft furnishings, they also have a truly winning formula for drawing beautiful women to a party: Let them in for free. They apply this very same theory to the Kandy Kruise, God bless ’em. Girls who want to try to hook up a free room send in their hottest photos, and a select number (approximately 10%) get free berth (two to a cabin) in exchange for dressing up in little outfits and parading around the ship, promo model-style. Apparently cabin size is irrelevant, since you only use them to pass out for an hour or two in between club-hopping, suntanning, massages, etc.

I got all these details from Michael Fuller, who runs marketing for the Palms in Las Vegas, and also helped promote the first-ever Kandy Kruise.

“”It was crazy,” he told me. “Really fun.” Coming from the guy who runs events at the Palms, this means a lot. Mike reports a 3:1 girl-to-guy ratio, great food, “clubs going every minute of the day” and all kinds of delights that I don’t want to mention because you’ll get all over-excited and the next cruise isn’t till March, 2008.

So start saving your money. Because boys, boys, boys have to pay, pay, pay. Not as much as for the Playboy Mansion parties, but still a hefty chunk of change for the average Joe–probably $800 minimum per person. Not sure whether girls have the option of paying their way in and not parading around in little outfits–I will check.

Disclaimer: Yes, I realize this scene isn’t for everyone. It typifies all things shallow and hateful about Los Angeles and Las Vegas. Unless you can go–in which case it’s really rather fun. So I’m just putting it out there.

In the meantime, go here to look at pictures from past Kandyland parties including the Kandy Kruise…because it’s Monday and you need a treat.

August 2020

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