17
Feb
09

Home reno porn

Now that my living room’s been gutted, I’m starting to see the appeal of home renovation porn.

img_7379

Does this turn you on?

Or this?

Or this?

It used to be a mystery to me, as I treaded on the treadmill and stared up in befuddlement as some dude in overalls named Mike Holmes shook his head at hapless homeowners and their catastrophes with other, lesser renovators. (Where’s the show where someone has to come in and clean up after Mr. Perfect’s mess, huh?) “Who cares,” I would think as one more sad sack gave Mike and some unionized cameraman a tour of his/her house/condo/garage, pointing out what needed to be fixed and finished and bowdlerized and replaced. “Is this really what afternoon TV has come to?” I mean, I’d have rather watched The View.

Oooh baby!

Oooh baby!

Uh huh, right there...

Uh huh, right there...

But now that it’s my place being renovated (new flooring, island kitchen, as if you care), well, things are different.

It’s also become a matter of survival. We’re in a one-bedroom and the living room is unlivable and the kitchen a wreck  (the guys, Paul and Chad, came in this morning; by the time we came home the place looked, as the Twister pointed out, “like a crackhouse”), so all our stuff—laptops, clothes, cats—is piled in the one bedroom. During the day, our choice is to either get claustrophobic and step on each other’s feet, or get the hell out; yesterday, Monday, I went into the office where I work two days a week (Wed-Thurs) while the Twister flitted from cafe to cafe, slurping up lattes and, in one memorable incident, hoovering up the lint off her jacket with a noisy gadget that drew the attention of all the other coffee shop patrons. Oh, and somewhere in all that she found time to go to the beer store where the guy calls her “hot stuff.”

Anyway, the next few weeks are going to be a real test. Who knows, maybe I should film it—apparently, daytime TV is desperate for content.


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