The Taboo Naughty But Nice Sex Show pt 1: bruises and beer

Depression isn’t funny. Believe me, I’ve had moments where I’ve been curled up in a foetal position, and that was just when I heard Deadwood was canceled.

However, there is something at least mildly humourous about going to a sex trade show with two really, really depressed guys.

Greetings. I am a mechanical penis. Are you aroused?

Greetings. I am a mechanical penis. Are you aroused?

I thought I’d cheer up my friend N. by inviting him out to this year’s Taboo Naughty But Nice Sex Show, an exhibition of all the latest in lube, pole-dancing, bodypainting and dildo technology. He seemed to get a kick out of it last year, but that was before a whole bunch of nastiness (in his personal life, not at the show itself—we weren’t thrown out by security or anything) went down.

Anyway… I figured it would cheer him up, maybe point him in some new directions, i.e. the dungeon room. But about an hour we were supposed to meet he called and said Is it all right if I bring a friend? I hadn’t counted on it being the suicidal dude he’d bunked with recently at the psyche ward. (I’m not making this up.) So imagine if you will three 40something (well, D., N.’s buddy, looks to be in his 30s) wondering from booth to booth at a sex trade show on a Saturday afternoon, me with my little pocket recorder talking to derby girls, waitresses at burlesque lounges, spokesmodels for energy drinks and Suicide Girls while Tweedledepressed and Tweedlemoredepressed stand off to the side, not saying anything and just generally freaking out my interview subjects.

Nevertheless, I think I got some good stuff, starting with Mickey Mercury and her Terminal City Rollergirls. Vancouver’s own roller derby league, the Rollergirls are girls strong, in three teams, and are now going into their third season. (For more on the art of rollerderbying, see the article “You Just Can’t Keep the Girls from Jamming” by Paul Wachter in the New York Times Magazine Feb. 01 09.)

Apocaliz Now, Mickey Mercury and Missy Masculator

Apocaliz Now, Mickey Mercury and Missy Masculator

Me: Who comes out to the bouts?

Mickey: Our demographic spread is wide. We have older people come out, we have poelpe come out with their kids. Young, old. It’s entertainment, it’s a really good sport, it’s fast-paced.

Me: Pervy old men like me?

Mickey [trying not to look over at N. and D., who are standing nearby shuffling their feet]: Sure, yeah. A lot of people, you know, anyone, anywhere can come.

Me: You don’t bout with each other?

Mickey: There are three teams in the league. We can have up to 20 on each team, on the roster you’re only allowed to have 12. We’ve played Montreal, Victoria, Calgary, Edmonton. Kicked their butts.

Me: What about that team that got in trouble for appropriating the Starbucks logo?

Mickey: That’s Rat City, in Seattle. That would be a dream to bout with them. We first started watching them when we were just organizing our league. It would be wonderful to play them.

Me: Were they your initial inspiration?

Mickey: For me, it was watching Rollergirls back in oh-five. I was blown away that they still had roller derby. ‘Cos I watched it as an eight-year-old girl, watching Skinny Minnie Miller whip around the track. I always had dreams of being a derby girl, and here I am.

Me: How much of your week does it take up?

Mickey: We have a season where we’re competitive but we train all year-round. We’re off-season right now. Training’s pretty hardcore. We train outside, we train on cement, concrete. And it’s two-hour practices, sometimes three. Every Friday and Sunday.

Me: Do you get people who try out thinking this is going to be fun, I’m going to show off my booty, and then find out it’s rough-and-tumble?

Mickey: It’s rough-and-tumble, and you pretty much have to kiss your social life goodbye. This is your new family, your new group of friends.

Me: Is there hazing involved?

Mickey: Somewhat… We call them [new recruits] “fresh meats.” Here’s one right here.

Me: What’s your name?

Missy Masculator: Missy Masculator.

Me: You remind me of my ex-girlfriend.

Missy: Oh!

Me: Just the name.

Mickey: What did we have you guys do for hazing?

Missy: Oh God. We had the hottest freshie contest where we had to gorge on hot sauce. And we had bar-bouting, where we were bouting around a pool table.

Me: Does everyone in the league drink beer?

Mickey: Yeah.

Missy: I think that’s one of the requirements.

Me: Of course, that’s after the bouts.

Mickey: We have after-parties where we wind down and talk about the hits we’ve thrown.

Missy: Who has the best bruises.

Me: What are some terms for “hits thrown”?

Mickey: There’s the booty block, the shoulder-check, the frontal block. The back-flop, with the back of the shoulder.

Missy: Douchebags. I don’t know if that’s technical term.

Me: Is there a  quality all roller girls share?

Apocaliz Now (joining in): They’re strong. They’re strong and they’re tough.

Suzie Shameless (also joining in): I love it. It’s fantastic. Get involved! Get involved!

Me: They won’t let me join. They said I don’t meet the height requirement.

Suzie: You can be a ref. We like men telling us what to do so we can tell them to fuck off.

Coming up: interviews with Dani from Maxine’s Hideaway, Chris who gets to ride around in limousines all night, and a few Suicide Girls.

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