Heathrow versus Gatwick: conversation with Louise

Last week, my ex, LCP called while the Texas Twister was home. The Twister saw her name come up but didn’t reach it in time. True to form, LCP then called my cell and my work #, where she left a typically hostile message. Figuring I was home and just not picking up, she called my home # again, but this time blocked her # so we wouldn’t see she’d called twice. “I didn’t want to appear like I was nuts,” she said. Except this time the Twister picked up, so she really did seem a little nuts. Ah, life’s little ironies.

LCP and I talked about this yesterday, during one of the longest conversations we’ve had in over a year, since she stopped talking to me. (She has her reasons.) Anyway, my recording device was unfornuately out of battery power, but I got it rolling midway through the conversation, which I reproduce here for your edification. If I do nothing else with my life, making LCP a celebrity in any way, shape or form will be enough reward.

Take it away, Louise…

LCP: I have nightmares about you. One of them was at my house, some indie girl was there, she was invited to movie nite, stuff like that. When I wake up… it doesn’t sound like a nightmare, but it’s a nightmare for me. It is a nightmare dream. She gets invited to movie nite, and I’m thinking Well how come I can’t go, all those brutal things like that where I’m always getting left out or rejected. It’s awful! They’re bad dreams.

Me: That is bad.

LCP: They’re bad dreams. I wake up, all freaked out. (Pause). Yap.

Me: Have I apologized?

LCP: Nope. Too late. Damage done. Damage control done. Over. But to think I still have nightmares and it’s been what, 10 years? 11? Fuck. So anyway. What happened then? You didn’t go to Winnipeg [for Christmas]. Where in Mexico?

Me (sheepish): Mazatlan.

LCP: Oh, figures. Where’d ya stay?

Me: A place called the El Cid resort.

LCP: Was it a nice place?

Me: It was kind of tourist-y. It wasn’t as nice as the place we stayed at. I went back there and revisited it, checked out the pool again. The Royal Villas. Then I remembered being sick, and I remembered you with your piece of rice. I remembered the scale. You bought the scale to bring out there.

LCP: Oh yeah, I brought that scale.

Me: And you never even took it out of its wrapper. Then you returned it when we got home.

LCP: Lucky I didn’t [take it out of its wrapper]. I really fattened it up there. I gained seven pounds. Remember that fiesta night we went to, we ate so much we both lay on our backs and watched our stomachs jiggle?

Me: Yeah…

LCP: How come you got sick? Did you eat meat, or was it water?

Me: I blame it on the omelette.

LCP: Did you get sick this time?

Me: No. But I came back with a wicked cold sore.

LCP: [gasps] I got a canker sore. [pause] You always got cold sores. That’s herpes you know. They’re contagious, huh. Hmmm. Put a Band-Aid on it. I’ve got Band-Aids with Power Puff Girls on them.

[stuff about her parents’ visits to Mexico follows]

LCP: Okay but what about this canker. Have you had one?

Me: How often do you have these nightmares?

LCP: Well I was having them repeatedly over the holidays.

Me: Awww…

LCP: I know.

Me: I’m so sorry.

LCP: It’s so bad. But they were long ones. I wish I would’ve written them down. The one about this girl, this blonde girl who was going to movie night, was a really long. It’s so bad and so long and so complicated. It’s like everything merged into one. You guys all went out and I had to stay at my mom and dad’s. It was funny. Well now it’s funny. Okay but anyway. Have you had a canker before on your tongue?

Me: No.

LCP: It’s so bad. It’s either stress, toothpaste, something you eat. It’s not bacterial. I bit mine. I bit it. I fell asleep and bit down on it. It hurts so bad. I’ll send you a picture of it.

Me: Okay, I’ll post it on my blog, with the interview.

LCP: Which interview?

Me: The interview we’re doing right now.

LCP: We’re doing it now? Do I get a kickback? Because I don’t see why I wouldn’t. [stuff follows about this blog and articles I’ve written for Click by Lavalife.] Didn’t you write one about orgasms?

Me: No. I think I wrote one about giving good oral sex.

LCP: Yeah. Then somebody else did something about the opposite.

Me: She did hers first, then I was asked.

LCP: Do you think you’re qualified to write that?

Me: Well, I…

LCP: [guffaws]

[chat about another incident from our relationship she’s still sore about, leading me to apologize and her to swear at me. Then:)

LCP: Hows the cats?

Me: Great. How are yours?

LCP: They’re fine. They’re fat. [Family cat] Nietsche’s still okay. She’s like 21. [Pause] Hip hop died.

Me: Aww…

LCP: I don’t know if you ever saw the bunny.

Me: I saw the bunny. You bought it for [her niece] Jenny and it ended up living at your parents’. Your mom must have been heartbroken.

LCP: Oh my God  it was so bad. We took her to the hospital. We told them to do everything they could. It was going to cost two thousand bucks. ONE NIGHT, two thousand. But she died as soon as we left. [pause] She’s been cremated. She’s in the dining room.

Me: And Nietsche’s still alive.

LCP: Yeah… doesn’t this girl have any cats?

[Conversation follows about the Texas Twister.]

Me: She’s currently unemployed, but right now she’s in Switzerland right now for a job interview.

LCP: Uhm, wait a minute. Unemployed? You got one of those? Good luck.

Me: Well she had a job when I met her.

LCP: They always have jobs, and money when you meet them! Once that’s over they lose everything. They have no money no job and no prospects. Anyway. [Talk follows about LCP’s ex-boyfriend Ben and his marriage last year.] He’s still around. [Pause] I get to find out how much money he has now. ‘Do you know how much money I have now? Eighteen thousand dollars.’ Oh really, Ben? You can pay my insurance, because every year I have to pay two hundred dollars more for that nice job you did in my place. [Here, LCP launches unleashes a flurry of questions about the Texas Twister—her education, whether people invent things anymore, where she’s from, and her recent job European job interview.] Did they pay for her trip?

Me: Yep.

LCP: WHAT??! [spluttering] How does that happen to people?

Me: Some companies have deep pockets.

LCP: Wow. Well that’s wild. Did she fly with Lufthansa? Or British Airways?

Me: [laughs]

LCP: I just want to see how long you’d stay on before getting off, it’s such a lark, the whole conversation.

Me: I don’t know. Air Canada to Gatwick. I don’t know what she flew from there.

LCP: [incredulous] Oh, she went to Gatwick?

Me: You have an opinion on the subject?

LCP: I would take Heathrow.

Me: Why would you think Heathrow?

LCP: ‘Cos that’s where I flew. It’s bigger and better. Gatwick’s kind of weird. Isn’t it close to the Beatles place?

Me: Liverpool? I don’t think so.

LCP: [more questions about the flight, where the Twister is going, when she gets back] Wow. She has jetlag? She should take melatonin with her. It works.

Me: She has weird sleep habits.

LCP: She a Pisces?

Me: No, she’s a Capricorn.

LCP. Ohhhhh, weird. So she’s 25?

Me: 29.

LCP: What is she doing with the old-bob?

Me: I don’t know!

LCP: That’s interesting. That must be nice. [under breath] Stupid. Aren’t you going to be 44? [gasps] You are! [chatter about LCP’s biological clock and the TV series Lost.] But I like Batman [The Dark Knight]. Didn’t you get that picture I sent of the Joker? I was supposed to send you another email after that but then I forgot. Cos you didn’t like Batman and I was going to say something about that. How could you not like it? I’ve seen it four times. I love it! I had the DVD right away when it came out. I saw it three times in the theatre. I’ve never seen a movie three times in the theatre. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie twice in the theatre. [Pause] You know why I liked it.

Me: Heath Ledger?

LCP: [obvious tone] Yeah. I LOVE him! And ’til he died I didn’t even know who he was. I never even knew what he looked like. I knew nothing about him, now I can’t believe it.

Me: Have you gone back to watch Brokeback Mountain?

LCP: No I won’t watch that. It’s too sad. I just watch the Joker. I just want to see the Joker. I love the Joker. I wanted the Joker to kill Batman. I just wait for his parts. They’re so amazing. All the subtle things he says. You only get it… the first time… but if you watch it a few more times you’ll catch even more and more subtleties. His little funny things. He says a lot. A LOT. Phhhht. I’m in his [Ledger’s] fan club.

Me: Literally?

LCP: Well, on Facebook.I bought the Joker calendar.

Me: Can I be your Facebook friend?

LCP: Oh… [thinks] Maybe. Yeah, I guess. But I hate you. But okay.

Me: Okay.

LCP: Bye.

Me: Bye.

2 Responses to “Heathrow versus Gatwick: conversation with Louise”

  1. 1 Cousin Ken
    January 21, 2009 at 12:34 am

    Hey movie night is a collaboration how come I wasn’t in the nightmare??

  2. 2 Cousin Ken
    January 21, 2009 at 12:38 am

    Hey! Movie night is a collaboration how come I wasn’t in the nightmare!!

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