Barack in your pants

DON’T get all pissy with me about this subject line till you know what I am about to say. Which is:

Last week I got a press release announcing the launch of a new line of Obama panties. And camis. And boxers, for boys. And I just think…wow, there really is no telling to what crazy heights Obamamania might go before we finally get to election day. I also think that for so-called ‘boxers,’ the boy-panties sure are awfully tight and short, and I’m not sure whether straight men will really be able to go for them. Not that they would anyway. Straight men, feel free to chime in here, but wouldn’t you feel a little bit odd wearing some other dude’s name/face on the garment closest to your, um, source of masculine power? Or would you actually be comfortable with it? Like, I got nothing to prove, I can rock Barack on my ass in a totally macho way. Or maybe, It’s all part of being a player–these Obama panties totally help me score with the ladies.

I just don’t know. And it leads me to the next part of this post, which is WHAT IS THE POINT of making a political statement in an area where, assuming you are a normal adult with a day job and a more-or-less normal wardrobe, NO ONE is going to see it?? Is it for the same reason that girls ostensibly buy super-sexy underwear for hundreds of dollars at La Perla? You know: It’s not for the guys, it’s just for me to know they’re there and feel more confident. (Which is bullshit. Allow me to tell you as one of the few honest-to-a-fault women in the world…if there’s 0% chance that a man is going to see and appreciate your underwear, you’re almost assuredly going to buy them in bulk at Target or the mall. Especially since a thong is a thong–it creeps up your ass in approximately the same fashion whether it cost $5 or $150.) 

But I digress. Where were we? Ah yes, the Obama panties. So how exactly is one supposed to make a political statement out of a garment that never sees the light of day? I’ll tell you: you can’t! Statements are meant to be given loudly, proudly, in the most visible way. That means if you get the Obama panties, it is your duty as a patriot and an activist to STRUT ‘EM in the most public setting you can find. Yessss.

 I am talking striptease photo shoots all the way down to the OBAMA money shot–posted online and on your Facebook page for all 500 of your friends and family members to see.

I am talking those hideous ’90s retro low-rider jeans like the ones skateboard punks wear…sagged like halfway down the buttcheek region so that everyone can see “Obama ’08!”  like a little campaign poster on your thigh.

I am talking NO PANTS AT ALL, if you can manage it without being arrested. there are obviously few places, but for sure Folsom Street Fair, Halloween in any big city, and probably an assortment of nightclubs. Especially if you were wearing cool footgear.

So yeah. It seems to me that if Obama panties are the fashion/political statement of the day, then that’s cool–we should just know that it entails a new R-rated era in North American campaign history. And that when some Republican from Texas comes out with Sarah Palin pasties (which they totally will!!), then in the spirit of Equal Rights, Non-Sexism and Justice, we’ve got to grit our teeth and smiiiile at pitbulls in lipstick and nipple tassles, bouncing all over the place at a GOP rally near you.

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