14
Jan
08

Seinfeld was never like this

In which the gang goes to the Taboo Naughty but Nice Sex Show on an otherwise blah Saturday afternoon in January. Featuring your blogger Shawnster; M; Allen, and Wingy. All are single except for Allen, who may be soon, since he seems to be headed in the direction of a breakup with his partner of three years. 

Opens in M’s living room. The gang, all present but Wingy, contemplates its upcoming foray to the Taboo Naughty But Nice Sex Show, held at the Vancouver Convention Centre Jan. 10-13.

M: I’m really looking forward to this. Yeah, baby! Sex show!

Shawnster: Who’s driving?

Allen: Maybe I’ll look for a rubber fist. You know that Doug Stanhope routine about the rubber fist? If you’ve already got two up there, what do you need a third one for? “I feel a gap”?

M: Maybe it’s for pirates. 

Shawnster: Sex toys for pirates! Can I use that?

Allen: What’s the line?

Shawnster: About the rubber fist being a sex toy for pirates.

Allen: I don’t get it.

Shawnster: You know, pirates. Captain Hook? A hook for a hand?

Allen: You’ll have to make that clear in the joke.

M: C’mon, you guys, let’s go. Maybe I’ll get me a new vibe.

Shawnster: What about parking?

Cut to: the gang at the sex trade show. Busy, busy, busy. Scantily clad girls– one of whom wears pasties and is  on stilts—as well as, bikers, punks, and suburban-looking couples roam the  aisles of  booths offering sex aids, party favours, porn offerings, clay body castings, bondage demonstrations and equipment, nude photography services—everything sex-related, and some (hot sauce, protein supplements) not. Shawnster, M, and Allen are at a booth selling vibes, lubes, standard sex toys. M holds a large, futuristic-looking vibe, which has  all sorts of bells, whistles, a remote control, everything but electrodes and stirrups).

M (bored, hanging the item back in its place): Sheesh. I was hoping for something new and exciting.

Shawnster (holding a two-pronged prostate massager): Really? I mean, yeah, I know what you mean. (Reluctantly hangs the prostate massager back on the wall.)

Allen (holding a pair of handcuffs): Hey you guys, what’s going to happen when I have to date again?

Shawnster and M. look at each other. 

M. Oh, don’t worry, it’ll be fun.

Shawnster: Yeah, it’s great. I’m having the time of my life. (Nods at the cuffs.) Make sure you have a pair of those on hand. Cuts back on commitment issues.

Cut to: A stage. On it are two topless models, one female and one male. Two bristly-haired jocks are licking the chocolate off the fake breasts of the girl, and two girls are doing the same off the pecs of the guy, who wears a fireman’s helmet. An MC, a TV-pretty dark-haired woman, encourages the participants. A modest audience whoops and hollers its support.

Shawnster: Why is it a fireman’s helmet is automatically supposed to be sexy? (To M) You don’t find it sexy, do you? (Her eyes are glued to the fake fireman’s torso.) Do you?

Wingy (arrives on the scene in time to see the licking): Hey guys, what’s up? (looks up at the stage, sees the girl being licked clean). Hey, I know her. She bought an ad from me once.

(Audience cheers as the two jocks back away, revealing the big fake boobs licked clean.)

Allen: They’re doing amazing things with saline and chocolate these days.

M: This is totally lame. Let’s go check out the anal sex seminar.

 

MC: Now we’re going to pour chocolate on their asses! Can I have some volunteers, please?

Cut to: “the dungeon.” This is a separate, enclosed space at the show where demonstrations of various bondage and S&M acts and equipment take place. Sounds of whips snapping and male  screams in the background.

M: Well a lot more Vancouverites than I would have thought are interested in anal sex. Although I don’t know why they’d need a seminar on it. It’s pretty simple, really. (spies a guy in a black leather harness behind one of the Dungeon counters. He’s handing out flyers for upcoming fetish nights.) Oh my God, I went to kindergarten with that guy.

Shawnster: You never know whom you’re going to see at a sex trade show. I just saw a former neighbour. She makes leather corsets now.

Wingy: We really haven’t done very much here. I’m not really in the mood. Those girls who popped their breasts out at us weren’t even attractive.

Allen: Who? Where?

M: Let’s go guys. I’m even more depressed now than before I came here.

Shawnster: Yeah, it’s kind of a rip-off. Twenty bucks to get in so you can spend more money?

M: It’s enough to put you off sex.

Wingy: Yeah. Don’t forget to get a stamp on the way out so we can get back in later.


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